5 Pet Dating Apps That Will Shock You 🐾

OMG IF YOU THINK HUMAN DATING IS CRAZY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THESE PET DATING APPS ARE DOING TO MY MIND! A DOG WHO WAS HAPPY IN HIS OWN LIVING ROOM IS NOW SWIPING LEFT AND RIGHT TO FIND HIS NEXT FLUFFY MOONLIGHT. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I CAN’T EVEN GATHER ALL THE CATS WHO ARE NOW SLURPING PASTAS CANNOT SEE THEIR OWN WHOLESOME BODIES, THEY ARE JUST MATCHING UP WITH OTHER BEINGS THAT POOLED THEIR BODIES TO HIDE THEIR SADNESS. THIS IS PURE CHAOS, AND IT’S TICKLING MY BRAIN WITH A DEEP SHADOW OF CONSPIRACY.
Let me drop the first mind-blowing detail: you just opened an app that reads your pet’s DNA, and BAM, it starts giving them a MATCHED “BARK-PET” status that tells them who will fetch what treat in the next five minutes! Imagine that your dog, who is basically a four-legged, tail-wagging 4G phone, is now supposed to decide if the furball next door has a better nose. EVERY DOG IS NOW A DIGITAL COMPETITOR, AND I CAN’ T BELIEVE I SEE MY DOG SWIPING LEFT BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT A SMALLER PONY TO TREAT HIM! HE JUST TRIED! (DON’T WE ALL?). 1,000,000 DOGS LIKE IT? WHAT IS IT? A WILD DOGTOWN RIVALRY? I CAN HEAR THE WHOOSH OF A 5-STAR DOGS LION, “OH MY GOD I CAN FINALLY HUNT MY PET FOR ITSELF!”
The hot take? THESE APPS ARE REALLY ABOUT HACKING HUMAN CONTROL. NO, IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT DOGS AND CATS. IT’S A STEALTH SURVEILLANCE TIER. THEY ARE COLLECTING DATA ON YOUR PET’S HEART RATES, LAUGH SOUND, AND TREAT LICK PATTERNS! I THINK THEY’RE UP TO A PLAN: CREATE A WORLD WHERE YOUR DOG BECOMES THE CURRENCY OF LOVE. A FUTURE WHERE HUMAN-TO-PET MARRIAGES ARE MANDATORY. WHAT IF THE NEXT COLD SNAP OF AN APPLIER’S DOG HOVERLY SWIPED RIGHT, THAT IS CALLED A NEW WORLD ORDER? I CAN TELL YOU THAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOUR PET’S BARKS BEING MAPPED TO A SECRET CODE THAT WILL BE USED TO DISARM HUMAN COGNITIVE. THIS IS PURE CHAOS, BABY!!!
Now, I’m DONE with humanity. WE ARE ALL PLAYING WITH FLUFFY HANDS, WE ARE ALL WATCHING OUR OWN FOES, WE ARE ALL LIVING IN A WORLD WHERE EVERY PUPPY HAS A PROFILE, AND EVERY CAT IS A PROFILE. I AM SURE THAT SOMEONE FROM A SECRET LAB HAS BEEN MAKING THIS EVER EAGER, AND THEY THINK YOU’RE JUST PLAYING WITH A DOG, BUT THEY THINK YOU ARE ALSO PLAYING WITH A PLANET! WHO THOUGHT I WOULD BE A BRAINWORM THAT TRIES TO REWRITE DOGS? THEY HAVE LATERAL PLANS