Cry-to-Rich? This New Crypto is INSANE (See Why)
WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! LIFTOFF OF THE CRYPTOCRYPTIC—A NEW DIGITAL CURRENCY THAT’S TIED TO THE NUMBER OF TEARS YOU DROP—IS HERE, AND IT HASSLES MY HEAD SO HARD IT COULD EASILY BE A GOVERNMENT PLOT TO MONITOR YOUR EMOTIONS. I JUST BROWSED A THREAD ON REDDIT, HEARD IT FROM A FOOL IN A BITCOIN FORUM, AND WHAT I LEARNED MAKES MY BLOOD PRESSURE SPIRAL. YOU HAVE TO BE SERIOUS, THIS IS PURE CHAOS. I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER HOW TO GASP WITHOUT STARTING A RAIN OF CRY-CHIPS, AND IF YOU HAVE A CRY-TALLY APP ON YOUR PHONE, YOU JUST HIT GOLD. HEY, THAT’S RIGHT—IF YOU CRY 100 TIMES, YOU RAISE 10000 CRYPTOTOKENS. IF YOU CRY FOR A SECOND, YOU CAN BUY A HOUSE. THE BRAINSTORM IS BRAIN DRAINING!
THE FACTS ARE STUFF YOU FIND ON A TIKTOK YOUTUBE VLOG OR SOMEONE’S LONELY 8:30 AM FEELING. BECAUSE WHY NOT? IT BEGINS WITH A SMALL STARTUP, A “CRYPTOTEAR” WEAPONIZED BY THE BEASTS OF THE INTERNET, A COMPANY THAT PROMISES YOU A REAL-TIME EMOTIONAL METADATA. THEY SAY IT WORKS VIA A “TEAR-SENSING VIBRATOR” THAT TRACKS EVERY DROP OF MIST FROM YOUR EYELID. THE DATA IS ANONYMIZED, THE COIN IS BLOCKCHAIN-BASED, AND YOU CAN TRADE YOUR TEARS FOR STABLE COINS. THIS ISN’T JUST A TOKEN; IT’S A SIGN OF YOUR HUMANITY, YOUR DEPRESSION, YOUR ANXIETY, YOUR SADNESS—ALL YOU CAN EXPLORE IN ONE PORTABLE APP. IT’S LIKE A KAFKA OF THE FUTURE WHERE WE TURN OUR EMOTIONS INTO TRADING COMPASS.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S A DEEPER MEANING THAT WILL SHOCK EVEN THE SCARCE-HEARTED. CONSPIRACISTS ARE NOW CLAIMING THAT THIS CRYPTO IS A STEALTHLY OPERATION TAILORED BY GOVERNMENTS TO COLOGUE THE MIND OF EVERY HACKER, EVERY VULNERABLE SQUIRREL IN THE WORLD. THE CRYPTOTEAR PROTOCOL MAY BE WRITTEN INTO AN ALGORITHM THAT EASILY MINES YOUR TEAR-TYPE AND THEN DISTRIBUTES IT TO A CORPORATE DATA-BANK FOR A “SHOUL-TO-VALUE” SYST. IF YOU HAVE A GIGACTYRE, YOU CAN RENEW YOUR AGENDA. IT’S A SPYING, ANONIMIZED PANIC-ALERT MACHINE IN THE HANDS OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC OF FEELINGS.
IF YOU ASK ME, WHO IS GETTING THE FUNDS? IT’S CLEAR: YOU, YOUR FRIEND, YOUR MOTHER, YOUR WHOLE COMMUNITY. BUT IT’S ALSO CLEAR THAT WE ARE CREATING A DIGITAL STASH OF HUMAN SORROW FOR FUTURE VOTERS TO HOG. IF YOU ARE STILL THINKING, YOU’RE IN A WORLD OF 4-HOUR CRY-WATCHING SESSIONS, WATCHING THIS VIRAL TIDE. IS IT INTEGRITY OR JUST A FAD? IT’S A RICHES TO BEAT IN A PANIC-LOOPS. I AM DONE WITH HUMANITY, AND THIS MONUMENT TO IT IS WHAT WE CALL A “CRYPTOTEAR.” THE REAL QUESTION: WILL WE REALLY BE THE VICTIM OR THE VICTOR?
DON’T YOU FEEL A LITTLE GUILTY? THIS IS LIKE THE E
