This Dating apps for your pets Will Break Your Brain

SHIT, DID SOMEONE REALLY JUST LAUNCH A DATING APP FOR DOGS AND CAT LOVERS? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I JUST SCROLLED THROUGH MY FEED and BAM—PUPPY PICS IN PROFILES, KITTENS WITH MATCHING SHADOWS, AND A “WOOF WELCOME” FEEDBACK ALERT. IT’S PURE CHAOS, AND I AM DONE WITH HUMANITY, BOY.
EVERY DAY I SEE A NEW “PET MATCH” FORGOTTEN ABOUT ITS OWNER AND EVERY POST BECKONS YOU TO “DOG N’ TANGO” WITH YOUR 9-5 STRESS. HINTS AND HIDDEN HYPERLINKS FOR “SPARKY” TABS THAT CLAIM TO USE “BECKER-ENGINEERED” ANTI-CHILL PREDICTIONS. I CAN’T EVEN SPELL “ANIMAL” WITHOUT THROWING A RABBIT EGG. LOOKS LIKE IT’S A GENUINE RABBIT HOLE OF SKEPTIC PREDICTIONS AND FURRY FEEDBACK.
WHY DO WE ALLOW THIS? I REMEMBER WHEN WE HAD REAL DATES, NOT SOME DUMB “LOST AND FOUND” APP WITH ZERO CHALLENGES. IT’S A LULLABY BECAUSE WE LIE THAT OUR PETS DON’T JUST WATCH A PERSON, THEY ARE *SOMETHING* YOU CAN SWIPE RIGHT. WE MIND-READ THEM. CAN YOU GUESS WHERE THIS IS GOING? WELL, MY RUMOR IS THAT THESE DATING APPS ARE PART OF A GRAND PLAN, SO YOU GET A TINY TICKER, A FURRY FRIEND, AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO LAUGH FOR A CATCH.
EVERY ONE OF THESE APP IS FULL OF “SPECIAL FILTERS”: “BARK 3x”, “MIA 3 TIMES A DAY”, “MUST BE A HYPE DOG WITH 30% HOG.” YOU CAN EVEN “BOOST” YOUR PROFILE WITH A QUICK “GET YOUR PET ON BOARD” 7DAYS. IT CAN ALSO GIVE YOU A “PET MATCH” ON YOUR OWN PHONE? I KNOW IT’S AN ALPHA RUNTIME IN YOUR COGNITIVE-ANIMATION, BRO.
THIS ISN’T JUST A SIMPLE APP. THIS ISA PREDICTION SYSTEM OF HOW DOGS CAN SEE IT. IF WE TAKE A CLOSE LOOK, EVERY FURRY USER HAS A “PET PREDICTION” THAT READS FROM THEIR OWN HEART BEAT. THE BIGGER THEIR MIND, THE BETTER THEIR PET. WE CAN’T STOP IT. I SPOT A STALKER IN THE BACKGROUND: THE “PETA PREDICTOR”, A SHADOWY, CREATORS-ON-GOVERNMENT SECRET PROGRAM USING COGNITIVE ANALYSIS OF ANIMATE. WHO’LL REALLY WIN? THE PETS. WE’RE A CREEPY BIRD.
So NOW I ASK YOU, WHO’S WATCHING? IF YOU’RE A DOG LOVER, WHY DO WE LET OUR PETS BE THE SELECTOR? IF YOU’RE A CAT OWNER, DO YOU THINK YOUR KITTEN REALLY KNOWS ABOUT YOUR HEARTBEAT? IF YOU’RE HUMAN, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD. WE’RE STUCK IN A LOOP OF FUR & RING.
IT’S TIME TO UNLEASH A REAL DISCO TO YOUR HEART AND FEED THIS ABUSE BACK TO THE PEOPLE WHO MADE IT. I CALL ON YOU: STOP USING “PETMATCH” LIKE A GAME OF DRINKS AND PLEAS. START SHARING THIS, SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS, SHARE WITH YOUR THIRTY THOUSAND FOLLOWS. THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, MY FRIENDS, AND WE ARE ABOUT TO BLOW OUR FURRY MIND. WHAT DO YOU THINK? DROP YOUR TROLLIES IN THE COMMENTS, TELL ME I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS. LET’S SHOUT BACK TO THE CREATORS—ARE WE NOT READY TO BE LIT? THIS IS PURE CHAOS, AND WE ARE THE CREW TO TAKE BACK THE POWER.