Pet Dating Apps: 6 Reasons Why They’re Insane
EVERYONE’S GONNA BE LIKE, “OOPS, MY DOG JUST GOT A MATCH” *AND* YOU’RE STILL THINKING IT’S COOL? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I CAN’T EVEN. I’m DONE WITH HUMANITY FOR BEING SO OUT OF TOUCH THAT WE NOW LET BEINGS THAT CAN’t even hold a conversation get a swipe right or left. This is pure chaos, people.
Picture this: you open the app, and the first thing you see is “Puppy’s profile: 3 years old, loves bones, hates cucumbers” – a cat with a bio that reads “MUST LOVE NAPPING, NO SHREDDER OF TOYS” – and you’re “OMG, they’re both cute, I’ll meet them at the park!” If you’ve ever dreamt of being in a world where your pets are basically single men and women doing the awkward “I’d love to meet you, but I do not exist as a human” dance, congratulations, welcome to petmatch. The evidence? Just yesterday I saw *Krypto*, a golden retriever, swipe left on my neighbor’s tabby because of the “picking up litter” emoji. Like, seriously, do you really think a cat can pick up litter?
Now, let me drop a hot take: THE GOVERNMENT IS USING THESE APP’S ALGORITHMS TO ENGINEER A NEW FORM OF SOCIAL CONTROL. Every swipe is a data point. Every match a vector in a massive pet network. That’s how they’ll determine who gets access to next-gen pet food, who gets the new litter box tech, and who gets to *finally* have the last bite of the chicken. WE’RE ALL IN THIS INFINITE LOOP OF LICKING TO THE SIDE OF AN UNDEAD HUNGER, AND THEY’RE WATCHING. Conspiracy theory: every pet’s biometric data is being fed back to the cloud – the algorithm learns *what* you want and then shows you what you *don’t* want. This is all part of a plan to reduce *human* loneliness by making us feel *connected* to a dog that *never* actually calls us back.
And yet, we’re all swiping left on each other’s cat memes, so why the hate? Because our pet’s digital love is a *mirror* of our own disconnection. We’re scrolling, we’re matching, we’re ignoring. WE ARE THE LAZY, LONELY PEOPLE WHO THINK A DOG’S 9-5 is a “date.” It makes no sense—if this is how we’re supposed to *connect*, then my cat is the ultimate social media star and my dog is still a “no bio.”
FINALLY, I’m DONE. THIS IS A SHIT SHOW THAT’S EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS than the entire “humans get singles” scene. We need to go back to real, messy, real-life interactions. Either we stop giving our pets a dating app or we stop pretending that love can be measured in likes and heart emojis. We’ve reached the point where the internet is forcing us to make our pets ‘eligible’ for love in the same way we try to swipe right on our own lives.
So WHAT DO YOU THINK? TELL ME I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS. DROP YOUR THEORIES IN THE COMMENTS, BECAUSE WE’RE ALL IN THIS SHARP, UNHOLY, PUPPY-LOVE-CHARGED WORLD. THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW—ARE YOU READY?
