Pet Dating Apps: 5 Crazy Things I Found
OMG, YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST DISCOVERED—DATEING APPS FOR MY PETS ARE IN THE MAKING AND IT’S PURE CHAOS! WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I SCROLL THROUGH MY PHONE, LOOK AT THE SAME STUFF I CAN FIND IN A DOG PARK, AND MY BEAST JUST HOPED INTO A “LOVE STREAM” WITH A PUP THE OTHER WAY! I’M DONE WITH HUMANITY, AND IT’S NOT EVEN ABOUT PEOPLE THIS TIME.
THE FIRST TIME I CAME ACROSS “PAWMATCH”, I thought it was a cute gimmick for cat lovers. THEN I SPOTTED MY DOG FIDO “MUTUAL MATCHED” WITH A BEAGLE WHO WAS TINY BUT LIVING IN A CARPET. YEAH, IT’S ACTUALLY AVAILABLE, AND IT’S GROWING FASTER THAN A BIRD FEEDING APP. IMAGES OF PUPPIES, KITTENS, AND EVEN THAT GHOSTLY ROTTWEILER FROM THE PARK LIVING IN A REACTIONS VIDEO ARE NOW PART OF ONE SOCIAL NETWORK. 3,000+ USERS IN THE FIRST WEEK? WEIRD, RIGHT?
BUT WAIT, IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT CUTE BINS. THERE’S A DEEPER REASON. IT’S A PET SOCIAL CONTROL SYSTEM, AND YOU’RE NOT HEARING IT FROM ANYONE. LISTEN: EVERY MATCH, EVERY INTERACTION IS TRACKED BY AN ALGORITHM THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS USING TO DETECT ANOMALOUS BEHAVIOR. WHEN A DOG BARKS DURING A DATE, IT SENDS A SYNCED SIGNAL TO YOUR PHONE, AND YOUR LOCATION DATA IS STOLEN. YOU THINK YOUR LOVER IS FICKLE? NO, YOU ARE THE ONE BEING MONITORED. EVERY PLEASURE OF THAT “TWO-WAY LOVE” IS A DATA POINT in a database that THEY USE TO LAUNCH KIBOOM KIBOOM.
HEAR ME OUT—THE INTERNET’S BIGGEST SLEUTHS ARE SAYING THAT THESE PET APPS ARE PART OF A SECRET PLAN OF A GLOBAL PET INFLUENCER NETWORK. THEY WANT YOU TO THINK “I’M TREATING MY PUP” IS THEIR FUTURE, WHILE THEY ARE TRAINING PETS TO BE THE NEXT GENERATION OF “MISC.”, A DISGUISED SPY SYSTEM. HINT: IF YOU SEE YOUR CAT GOING “MEW MEW” DURING A DATE, IT’S NOT LOVE. IT’S A SIGNAL. THIS IS PURE CHAOS, AND WE’RE JUST PLAYING THE BALL.
YOU CAN LOOK IT UP, YOU CAN LIKE, YOU CAN SHARE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE IT. BUT REMEMBER, EVERY SWIPE THAT YOU AND YOUR PET MAKE STAYS IN THE CLOUD. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GIVE YOUR FURRY FRIEND A FREE DATE, AND LET SOMEBODY ELSE GET A LEGIT BILL? HAH! YOU THINK YOU’RE A HERO? YOU ARE ONLY A SPILL.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? WILL YOU RANT, WILL YOU SHARE, WILL YOU JUST LAUGH AT MY CAT AND IGNORE THE REAL TRUTH? YOU KNOW THE QUESTION. DROP YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE COMMENTS, LET’S SEE IF WE’RE ALL IN THIS
