Pet Dating Apps: You Won’t BELIEVE This!

OMG, I JUST SAW THAT PETS CAN NOW “MATCHMAKING” ON DATING APPS AND IT’S PURE CHAOS!!!!!! WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! Every scroll of your phone now includes a tiny dog in the bottom corner offering a “Pawsitive vibes” emoji. I’m DONE with humanity, but now I’m DONE with the fact that my cat is “snapping” at my boyfriend’s dog photos! Did the algorithm go on a pet diet? Wait, do we even need a bio? I saw a post with a photo of a golden retriever named “Waggle Doodle” who’s 99% puppy and 1% “I want to eat my own poop.”
Picture this: you’re swiping right for a hamster who literally sells you a meme on a post saying *“I like to nap on your keyboard and steal your fries.”* What’s the point of a “compatibility score” when the only thing you can agree on is the taste of the same brand of kibble? 3% of pet owners actually know what the dog’s age is; 97% are just looking for extra kibble. The data is insane – 67% of dogs are already “married” and 33% are still single and looking for a “long distance walk” relationship.
Let me drop a mind-blowing revelation: The pet dating apps are not for dogs and cats, they’re for us humans. I read somewhere that the original algorithm was created by a secret society of cats who want to control the human population. They’re basically saying: “If you buy a pet, you’ll spend every quarter on their ‘profile upgrades.’ We’ll be their servants so you won’t “match” on the platform, you’ll get a subscription fee.” The entire thing is an intergalactic scam, a deep cover scheme by the furry aliens who wear pet collars.
It’s the ultimate prank that would make your ex’s face look like a cat meme. And I, the angry internet user, am calling out the conspiratorial truth. It’s a 3-step plan: Pet a cat, get a subscription, the cat gets a better life, you get a new pet. What did we think we were doing? DO WE REALLY WANT OUR FURRY FRIENDS TO HAVE A “MATCH” WITH OUR SLEEP STATS? The algorithm uses your *love language* (bark vs. purr) to generate “compatible furball” partners. It’s like Tinder, but instead of swiping for love, you’re swiping for a pet that will eventually take over your life.
I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. The next update will add “cat friends” that will let you add a “feline friend” that literally follows your steps. That is pure chaos, people. Every time a cat “likes” a post, you get a subtle notification. A notification that reads, “Hey, this cat likes you too. Maybe try a real human friend?” The app is being marketed with “Adopt – Match – Love.” And here we go, the next update will be like: “Find your perfect dog partner with the new ‘doggo filters.’”
If you’re an owner, or even a human who secretly likes to pet cats but hates the fact that it seems to feel like a 100% paid subscription, then you NEED to know ALL THAT. The real question is: Do we want to let an app decide who our pets should mate with? DO WE WANT A SYSTEM THAT MAKES ME BUY A PET FOR ONLY A SINGLE 4-PIXEL HURRAY FROM THE APP’S “FUR-BONUS” FEATURE? I’m DONE With humanity—especially when the same app we use to plan our vacations is now planning our pets’ love stories.
So what do you think? Are you ready to swipe for your furry soulmate? Drop your theories in the comments below. Tell me I’m not the only one seeing this. This is happening RIGHT NOW – are you ready?