Smart Toilets Judge Your Diet?! (You Won’t Believe #5)
STOP RIGHT THERE, BROWSERS – I AM ABOUT TO UNLEASH THE MOST INSANITY OF THE 21ST CENTURY: SMART TOILETS THAT JUDGE YOUR DIET. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I TYPED “GET MY TOILET TO ADVISE ON MY SALAD” and NOW MY LIVING ROOM IS A BANNED LINGO OF BRAIN-TRAP. I’m DONE with humanity and you just got a flush of it.
Imagine this: you sit, you squirt, your shiny ceramic throne winks back. It reads the waste, crunches the numbers like a bad ex, and spits out a verdict: “YOU’RE NOT MEETING YOUR 3-PORTION AVO CARBS” while flashing a sad face emoji. It’s like that voice-activated assistant that actually knows you better than your therapist. WTH, NO ONE IS SAYING, “OH, THAT’S GREAT! WE CAN RECOMMEND A LOW-FAT DIET TO YOU.” WE BREATHE A SMEARED DIET, AND EVERY MOMENT IN THE BATHROOM BECOMES A FEEDBACK LOOP. YOU’RE SITTING ON A DIGITAL JUDGE WHO’S FLICKING A RED CROSS EVERY TIME YOU CRACK LAYERS OF CROUTONS. IT’S PURE CHAOS.
Let me drop some mind‑blowing details: The sensor in the bowl is actually a tiny spectrometer that analyzes the biochemical makeup of your poop with more precision than a lab in a sci‑fi flick. Every day it records a “poop score,” uploads it to the cloud, and if you’re slacking on veggies, it sends a push notification that says, “WHOOPS, YOU’RE FALLING BEHIND.” Then the smart toilet starts nagging about how you’re “living a life of regret” because you ate a potato. I swore I could only blame Instagram, but no: the data is being used for targeted ads. The tech giants are turning your bathroom into a vending machine for calories—you’ve got a new class of algorithmic curation now: the *diary of your bowel movements*. This is the future of surveillance, folks: **Your toilet is watching you; your toilet knows you better than your parents, and it’s judging.**
Now the conspiracy‑theorists among us, grab your crystal ball. Some say Big Tech has secretly teamed up with the NSA to track your waste. Imagine the mole, who’s literally a device that can read what you eat, telling the government about your *nutritional habits* and even potentially your *political preferences*. Because, hey, if you can determine your diet, you can determine your political leanings (yes, you read the same thing).
