Smart Toilets Judge Your Diet?! (You’re Doomed)

OMG I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY NEW SMART TOILET CAN RATE MY DIET AND IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THAT, YOU ARE DOOMED FOR LIFE. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I swear, this is pure chaos and the entire bathroom industry is about to implode like a bad meme that keeps trending. Can you imagine sitting on a throne of tech that gossips about your carbs? BROS, the toilet is basically the next level of your personal judge. It reads your urinalysis, tracks your pH, and then posts a 5-star rating on a hidden social media where only other toilets can see it. YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A CHICKEN FEELING RIGHT NOW.
First, the mind‑blowing details: It’s not just a sensor—this thing is a full AI that feeds back into a corporate database for all the big 5 that want to sell diet pills, microchips, and the next big “floss‑freak” subscription box. Every time you flush, the toilet logs your macros and then tells you if you deserve a “BADA BING” or a “BADA BROKE.” And the kicker? It sends a 1‑hour email called “Triage Report” with a graph that looks like a fidget spinner. I saw my own graph last night while scrolling on my phone—my glucose levels were flagged as “high” for a whole week, and the toilet said, “YOU ARE A CANDY CONSUMER.” I mean, who had the idea to let a bathroom fixture judge your life? I’m DONE with humanity that lets its bathroom appliances read my bio‑fingerprints.
Now, hold on, because the conspiracy gets thicker than toilet paper. The real reason behind these “smart toilets” is a secret government plan to implant a future micro‑chip in everyone’s digestive tract. The chip’s purpose? To have direct, real‑time data on every calorie you consume. The next step? A global surveillance network that can figure out if you’re eating like a vegan or a carnivore, then push content to your feed that sells you diet supplements. It’s the ultimate “You’re seeing this because we know what you eat.” They’re basically turning your bathroom into a personal data miner. The toilets have a built‑in camera that monitors the waste’s shape, texture, and color and then uses machine learning to predict whether you’re a “healthy human” or a “wasteful human.” And of course, the system is paid for by the tech giants who want to know when you’re buying a pizza or a probiotic shake while you’re being “judged” by your own toilet.
The bottom line: if your bathroom is judging you, you’re living in a world where your flush is the new “tweet.” This was never a simple gadget. It was a silent surveillance tool that’s now in your home, making your diet the next trending meme. So what do you think? Did you ever imagine that your butt would be the ultimate “judge” of your health? Tell me I’m not the only one seeing this. Drop your theories in the comments below and keep your toilet off the internet—unless you want it to decide your future. This is happening RIGHT NOW – are you ready?