This Dating apps for your pets Will Break Your Brain

EVERYONE, YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST DISCOVERED ABOUT PETS AND SWEETHEARTS—SO I WAS GIGGLING AT MY CAT’S SCREEN AND BAM! A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN? OR IN A CROWD OF BULLSHIT? WE’RE LIVING IN A WORLD WHERE HUMANS NOW USE DATING APPS FOR THEIR PALS, AND IT’S PURE CHAOS.
I WAS SCROLLING THROUGH MY DOG’S NEW “BARK & BOO” PROFILE WHEN I SPOTTED A PAIR THAT SEEMED TO BE A PERFECT MATCH… OF COURSE, IT WAS A PUPPY. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I WONDER IF THE ALGORITHM IS BASED ON THEIR PAWS, THEIR FAVORITE GAMES, OR HOW MANY TREAT CAKE TRENDS THEY CAN FETCH. THE REAL QUESTION IS: WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT A PERFECT PAIR FOR THEIR PET? WAS IT TO PROVE THEY ARE SMARTER THAN THEIR OWN HUMANS? NO CAP, IF YOU DONT SEE A BEAR IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL DRAMAING? IT’S A LIE.
THIS IS PURE CHAOS: IT STARTS WITH THE SIMPLE “NOMI, MATCH YOU WITH A DOG” AND FOLLOWS WITH A SERIES OF MESSAGES CONVEYING “YOUR DOG’S PUPPY FINGER SENSE IS ON POINT” AND “THIS DOG WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR TRUE LOVE, IF YOU GIVE THEM A MOUTHFUL OF KITSCH. THIS IS SO KICKEY. I CAN TELL YOU, THERE’S A HIDDEN AGENCY OVERSEEING THIS: THEY ARE PLANNING A PET-BASED SPY NETWORK, WHERE YOUR DOG WILL LEARN YOUR OWN SECRET SENSORS, THEN BACKTRACK TO YOUR HOUSE TO PULL THE WIRE AND TAKE OVER YOUR SENSORY GADGETS. THIS IS THE FUTURE, I HEAR IT, IT’S ALL PLANNED.
HOT TAKE ALERT: IF YOUR CAT JUST LIKE’S A DATING APP THAT MATCHES THEM WITH OTHER KITTENS, IT’S NOT A COZY FURRY LOVE, IT’S A COGITATIVE GAME THE DOGMA IS USING TO GAIN CONTROL. HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY EVERYONE’S FAVRETS HAVE THE SAME “MEOW” PHOTOS? DID THEY BECOME A TRADING CARD? IF YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE THAT THINK THEY CAN JUST FILL THEIR BEDS WITH A LITTER BOX, THINK AGAIN. WE’RE IN A WORLD WHERE WE ARE ALL LIKE “YOU ARE A PET, WE ARE TO LOVE YOU,” AND THAT ISN’T WHAT