This Dating apps for your pets Will Break Your Brain
OMG WHAT ARE PUPPY-LOVING BIRDS DO THIS? I CAN’T EVEN. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THERE ARE DATING APPS FOR MY PETS, AND IT’S LIKE THE WORST HACKED TIER OF HUMANITY. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I SEE YOU, FEED ME LIKE A DROID WITH YOUR DOGS AND CANINES AND KITTENS THAT CAN SWIPE RIGHT AND LEFT. I’VE BEEN STUCK IN THIS PURE CHAOS FOR LIKE TWO HOURS, STARING AT MY CANINE’S PROFILE THAT LISTS “PREFERS LONG DATES AND TAIL-SWITCHERS.” THIS IS PURE CHAOS, PEOPLE.
OK, FIRST OF ALL: The evidence. I opened “BarkLove”, an app that lets your dog “match” with other dogs. It uses a “Paw-Score” that basically equates to your pet’s playfulness, hair length, and whether they yelp during thunderstorms. My golden retriever, Rolly, got a match because, guess what? He likes squeaky toys—so does a beagle named Buster from a suburb in Nebraska. The app then suggests a date at the local park, with a caution that says “Do NOT let Buster lick Rolly’s ears.” Because apparently, in the app’s algorithm, ear licking equals a high risk of rabies. I swear, folks, this is a pet version of “The Bachelor,” but with more fleas and less drama.
Then there’s the “CatFlirt” app that uses your cat’s twitchy tail flicks to calculate compatibility. I was like, “Wait a second, how does my cat, Whiskers, know about my sister’s cat?” Answer: The app syncs with the same Wi-Fi network and pulls all your pet’s data from the cloud. Yeah, so your cat’s preferences are basically a file on your Wi-Fi router. I feel like I’m looking at a sci-fi movie where my cat is the secret agent of a furry espionage agency, and I am the naive human who didn’t read the fine print.
Now, let me drop the BIG CONSPIRACY. These apps are NOT just for pets. They’re a front for an ultra-secret canine-television network that monitors every paw swipe, every whisker twitch. By collecting data on which pets “like” each other, they build a demographic map of animal love. Then, they sell this data to pet food conglomerates and grooming salons. “See, I get a premium subscription because I want my dog to get the best kibble.” Meanwhile, we humans are left with the irony that we are basically the pet’s parent drones, and every “match” is a calculated move by a corporate overlord. I’m DONE with humanity because humans let this happen, but not the dog overlords.
And here is the mind-blowing realization: If your pet is matched with a strange, wild beast from the neighborhood, your feed will be saturated with pics of them snorting and howling in the park. Then, suddenly, your daily routine feels “normal” again. Suddenly, you are part of the next-generation pet culture that will dictate the future of the animal kingdom. That’s a revolution, people!
So here it is: Are you ready to swipe your dog to a new love? Do you want to see your cat get matched with a Persian and then watch it go viral on the internet for being “the most romantic cat”? Drop your theories in the comments, share this post with your fur-crazed friends, and let’s make sure the internet sees that while we are trying to find our soulmate, our pets are making sure we never end up with a loser. Tell me I’m not the only one seeing this. Drop a comment below, and remember—what do you think? This is happening RIGHT NOW – are you ready?
