This Dating apps for your pets Will Break Your Brain

OMG, you *won’t* believe the newest trend that just popped off the internet, and it’s making me want to throw my phone into the toilet. Imagine a dating app where the only profile is your *pet*—yes, your dog, your cat, your goldfish, even that broody iguana that only comes out at 3 a.m. WHO THOOPS! This is pure chaos, and I’m DONE with humanity for letting this happen.
Picture this: you open what looks at first glance like a harmless “PawMatch” or “BarkBuddy” app, because honestly, how else can you say “Swipe left, swipe right” when you’re swiping fur? The first screen is a splash of glittery paw prints, the jingle is a chorus of happy barks and meows. Then your pet gets a bio: “4 years, loves naps in the sun, will do a headbutt if you feed me. Looking for a long-term cuddle buddy.” And they’re asking you to swipe, because obviously your pet can’t swipe; they’re just… whatever. It’s like a glitch in the Matrix where pet instincts are being outsourced to algorithmic algorithms.
Now, if you think the sheer absurdity is enough to roll your eyes, let me drop some mind-blowing evidence. I took my schnauzer to the app in August. He got matched with a Siberian Husky who was 12 months older. The app recommended they meet for a “furry first date” at the local dog park. The Husky’s bio said, “Wants someone who knows how to resist the *human* for a full 30 minutes… can’t even open the door.” Wait. The app suggests they take a walk, but the only walking you can do is following your own pet’s schedule because your dog decides the route! I swear my pet’s GPS is a lie.
Now for the conspiracy: I went on a deep dive into the company’s origins. Turns out, the founders are a trio of ex-hipsters who once ran a vegan café that was funded by a *very suspicious* crowdfund. They claim the app is for “human-pet bonding.” But why would they put a dating angle on it? Are the app developers secretly breeding dogs to sell them as premium profiles? Are we all being nudged into a future where dogs become the new “cufflinks” in our social lives? There’s a hidden layer: every date has a “payout” in the app—each match earns you credits that can be redeemed for grooming services. Your pet is literally a monetized asset. And the algorithm? It’s built on a matrix of human desire for validation—so you swipe because you want your pet to get approved by humans. That’s a *deception* on a whole other level.
This isn’t just a quirky. It’s a FULL-ON social experiment to turn pets into *social currency*. And when I tried to quit, the app sent a notification, “You’ll miss out on the newest cat emoji pack,” and a pop-up: *Would you like to subscribe to premium?* It’s a subtle manipulation to keep us glued, while our pets are merely fodder for dopamine hits. Look at the stats: 8 million downloads. 4% of humans are now checking their pets’ profiles more often than their own dates. It’s a *purr-fect* societal shift toward algorithmic pet relationships that may be the next wave of social media control.
So what am I saying? WE ARE DOING THIS. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE DOING. I’m DONE with humanity for making my golden retriever swipe like a human. This is *pure chaos*! If you’ve ever thought your pet would get a social media platform just to keep you from feeling left out, you can rest assured it’s real. Are you even *real*? The truth is the algorithm is making our pets the new influencer, and we are the clueless followers. Tell me