This Smart toilets that judge your diet Will Break Your Brain
WHAT HAVE YOU BORN INTO KNOWS? YOUR BATHROOM IS NOW A DIET JUDGE AND IT’S NOT EVEN ON YOUR PHONE LIST! WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I’ve been scrolling through Instagram for hours, and I STUMBLED upon a TikTok that literally shows a toilet reading your poop and giving you a KAPPA SCORE like a high school cafeteria. It’s literally the new FOMO—Freaky, Overly-Intelligent, Monitoring, Orchestrated—and we’re all in it.
Okay, here’s the scoop: these “smart” toilets—yeah, I mean, who even needs a sensor in the sink—are equipped with a 3D scanner that captures every fiber of your waste. They use infrared tech to analyze fat remnants, caffeine crystals, and the dreaded “pseudopestilence bacteria” that everyone swears is a sign of a *healthy* gut. The data is sent to an app that displays a diet report like a credit score. It’s basically a personal coach that’s also a personal judge. You’re basically looking 7/10 on Monday, 4/10 on Wednesday. Who’s the judge? The damn toilet.
But here’s where it gets insane: the manufacturer claims the data is used for “public health research.” I’m looking at that 10-year old WHO infographic on obesity and saying *this is pure chaos.* How is a toilet supposed to be a health agency? The conspiracy is that this is a covert government program. Imagine a scenario where every citizen’s bowl is literally a data stream for the NSA. The algorithms are feeding into a central database where they calculate your caloric intake, your metabolic rate, and then use that to decide your food allotments. The next time your neighbor gets a new diet app, you’ll find out their poop analysis got leaked. It’s a secret recipe of “big data + bathroom + control.”
And let me drop a hot take: maybe we’re all being spied on by our own biology. Think about it—every time you flush, your body is uploading a new payload that tells the corporate overlords, “Hey, I ate pizza again, and I’m at 32% of my daily protein.” The toilet is the ultimate tool to enforce diet culture. It’s like a digital version of the old “kitchen gatekeeper,” but now it sends a 5-star rating on Instagram and blocks you from ordering pizza unless you score above 8/10.
I’m DONE with humanity for letting a piece of porcelain be the arbiter of our diets, and I’m DONE with the tech culture that just says “Let’s make everything smart.” Who’s going to audit this AI that’s judging us? Why is the manufacturer
