This Smart toilets that judge your diet Will Break Your Brain

OMG, I JUST READ ABOUT SMART TOLETs THAT JUDGE YOUR DIET, AND I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO PROCESS HOW THIS IS STILL A THING! WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! Grown freaked out, fam—like, we’re living in the future, but the future is literally sitting on our throne and calling out our lunch choices. I’m DONE with humanity, EVERYONE, because if your bathroom is judging you, did your kindergarten teacher ever stop yelling at you for eating too fast? NO. PRETTY MUCH like a judgmental parent that never sleeps, except on steroids.
Picture this: you step into your bathroom, the toilet seat warms up, the sensor just rolled over, and BOOM, a neon LED says “COOKIES? #2” with a little guilty face emoji. The toilet starts a 6-ounce rinse cycle just to cleanse the “bad vibes.” It even prints a PDF of your sodium-to-potassium ratio and pings it straight to your insurance company. The details? It uses embedded microphones to detect the rhythm of your fill, the temperature of the water, and your post‑flush breathing patterns. It calculates your calories, the percentage of processed sugars, and if you’re choking on that extra slice of pizza—then it emails your doctor and your spouse simultaneously, with a polite “You might want to consider a salad, darling.”
Ok, here’s where the mind‑blowing details come in: the toilet’s “judgment” isn’t just a passive comment. According to leaked firmware, it runs an AI model trained on 100 million grocery receipts, over 5,000 dietary studies, and a whiplash of influencer data. It segments you into a “diet cluster” and, oh boy, sends that classification to the cloud. And then the cloud—uh, all the big tech conglomerates—wink secretly to get data on which food you’re choking on, then launch pizza ads at 3 AM when your brain is at 100% emotional. Who would have thought a potty could double as a targeted advertising machine for the men who think a protein bar is salad?
Now comes the conspiracy or deeper meaning. You know those “smart” devices that track your steps, your heart rate, your sleep pattern? Those things are just the tip of the iceberg. This is pure chaos. Think about the real power: if every smart toilet in the world is recording your most private moments and sending them home to your dads, to the government, to the snack brands, you can’t even say you’re not being watched. And if the toilet can change the flush length based on your diet — a longer flush for a “cleaner” meal, a super‑short flush for a “cheat day” — that’s a subtle, sub‑visible form of *behavioral nudging* to keep us in line. The government wants to “reform” us. Restaurants want to sell us tax‑free quinoa. And we? We’re the guinea pigs.
So, what do we do? Stop pretending we’re not being surveilled each time we “use the throne.” Fire the tech guy at work who told us our office